A different way of dealing with things

It’s Friday! I don’t know about you, but it has been a long week over here. Since my last post, I’ve been working hard trying to focus more on the positive in an effort to reduce stress. And I’ve been told you “get what you put out there.” It’s hard for me, because “positive” is not my default. Generally speaking, I am not a very optimistic person. Which is sad, because my life is awesome, but I let myself get caught up in the less favorable parts of it often.

Whenever I find myself getting stressed out by one of these things, I’ve been told to think about how its presence in my life is actually something to be thankful for. It’s basically an exercise in being grateful. It’s also a good reminder to make the best of whatever situation God has put you in.

This hedgehog knows what's up.

This hedgehog knows what’s up.

I had “a moment” at work today, and I spent a few minutes doing some light journaling about the things that were stressing me out and why I should actually be thankful for them. For instance:

My job: Nothing stresses me out more than my job. But I have a job, and at least I have an income and health insurance until I am able to find something that is a better fit for me and my family.

Daycare: I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling totally guilty for sending my child to daycare. And writing the check each week is painful. But A is thriving at her school. She loves her teachers, and they adore her. She is learning so much and doing really well there.

My student loan: Of all the expenses I have, the one that annoys me the most is my student loan payment. It physically hurts me to pay it each month. The past couple months, I’ve started to regret my decision to get my master’s. But, what’s done is done, and no matter what happens, I have a really great education, which is a luxury not everyone gets, and it’s something no one can take away from me.

Bills, bills, bills: Who doesn’t hate bills? But, having them means I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, clothes on my back, and I can provide everything I need for my child.

Being alone most of the time: John’s job has him out of town a lot, which means I am on my own with A 90% of the time. This is really hard, and it’s super easy to get sad about. But, he is following his dream and building a future for our family.

It’s helpful to look at these things in a different perspective. Because really, letting those negative emotions run my life isn’t helping. The things that trigger anxiety aren’t going anywhere, so it’s better to process them in a healthy way. Plus, it’s exhausting to cry more than twice a week.

In other news, A turned 18 months old last week, which is just crazy. I am hoping to have a post dedicated to her year and half old self up soon, if she ever let’s me take pictures of her. Toddlers, man, they have a mind of their own.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

Where I’ve been

So, it’s been a few weeks (three, to be exact) since I’ve blogged. It’s not because I’ve forgotten, or haven’t had things to write about, because every day when I get home from work, I think to myself, “I should blog…I need to write…I have to write…” And I often find myself thinking, “This will make a great post…I can’t wait to write about this.”

And then, for the past three weeks, I haven’t.

I don’t really have an excuse other than pure exhaustion and what I believe has been a bad case of the winter blahs. I just haven’t had the energy to summon up a coherent thought. If I’m being entirely honest, a lot of this has to do with my job right now. To be frank, my work situation isn’t great. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve cried at work the last few weeks. I’m not an expert, but I’m pretty sure that’s a sign something is not right.

It’s carrying over a lot of stress and anxiety into my personal life. I’ve always been prone to stress and anxiety, so this level of stress on top of daily life stress, is really affecting everything rather negatively. It’s hurting me, my family, and my ability to be a productive member of society. I’m starting to think maybe I should talk to someone about it.

I have always been independent, almost to a fault. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like feeling like I can’t do it by myself. I don’t like not being able to fix the problem by myself. It’s hard to admit when you can no longer do something on your own. It’s hard to admit something is not working, especially when you so desperately wanted it to work, and thus feel like a failure. It’s hard to open your heart and soul to friends, family, and strangers on the Internet. It’s hard to change. But the hardest thing, I think, would be to continue to live in unhappiness because I was too proud to ask for help.

Life is balancing act, and unfortunately I’ve never been very coordinated. Bear with me while I learn to balance better.