How low can you go

It’s funny how sometimes all it takes is one little thing for you to totally lose it.

Last week was a really bad week. I was sick for most of it, my manager went out of town leaving me to run the office for half of it, on top of which work was just insanely crazy, and I knew this week wasn’t going to be much different. I got yelled at a lot by clients. As a result, I was pretty run down this past weekend.

I put A to bed last night, like always, and she went down relatively easily, like always. About 20 minutes after going down, I heard her start screaming. Terrified she had managed to hurt herself, I rushed into her room to find her sitting up in her crib, something she had previously been unable to do. I picked her up, and she immediately quieted down and went into playtime mode. She had napped heavily late that afternoon, so I figured she just wasn’t ready for bed yet. I let her play for a little while, then tried to put her back to bed.

It didn’t take long to figure out it was not going to happen. She screamed every time I put her down and immediately sat up. I was getting flustered. I couldn’t just leave her to cry like I usually did, because I was afraid she would catapult herself out of the crib. I needed to lower the mattress.

How difficult could it be?

Apparently, pretty freaking difficult. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what I needed to do. Under normal circumstances, it probably wouldn’t have been Such. A. Big. Thing. But exhausted, still feeling sick, and with a crying baby, I just lost it.

I mean, completely lost it. Like sobbing hysterically on the floor of my child’s room. A was crying, I was crying. We were both big fat messes. I gave up and decided A would just have to sleep with me. This meant I had to listen to her cry while I quickly took a shower and got ready for bed myself. By the time I had her settled down and falling asleep, my head was pounding from all the sobbing. Hers and mine.

It was the first time since John left that I let myself break down. It was the first time I really allowed myself to wallow in self pity about how hard it’s been since he moved. I know there are plenty of single moms out there who do what I am doing every day all day with no foreseeable end in sight, but I am tired of it. I’m ready to have my family together again. I’m ready to have my husband back again.

I’m ready for some freaking help with lowering the crib mattress, among other things.

For what it’s worth, I did figure it out this evening. After a little help from my good friend Google, I lowered the mattress by myself. And while it was empowering, knowing I can do this all by myself, I’d still rather do it with John.

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