One of my goals for the new year was to “enjoy life more.” At the time, I’m not even sure I knew exactly what that meant. In the past three months, I’ve decided this “goal” is multi-faceted. So far, I’ve defined it as having three separate but equally important parts. I call them the “be-s”.
- Be more patient.
- Be more conscious.
- Be more present.
Being more patient is something I have always struggled with. I have always wanted things now, and waiting always seems like such a hassle. When am I going to get a better job, when will we make more money, when will A sleep through the night, etc, etc, etc. The answer, of course, is “It will happen when it’s supposed to.” (So far I don’t know the answer to the first two questions, but A is now STTN, in her own bed, for what it’s worth.) I lose patience often with my job, my family, my friends, and myself, but I’m working on it and happy to say it’s getting better.
I’d say my patience with my child is really good, and that’s more important than my patience with everything else. Those horrible, sleepy, weepy days of having a newborn are a cloudy and distant memory, thank god. Every day is a challenge, but I find myself meeting them with excitement and readiness, rather than continually getting flustered. Part of this comes from my new mindset of “rolling with the punches.” Some people call this whatever works parenting. Once I learned to embrace this, my patience and productivity improved ten fold.
Being more conscious, to me, means being more aware of the impact I am leaving. On everything. The impact I make at my office. The impact I make on my husband. The impact I make on my friends and family. The impact I am making on my community and the community at large. And most importantly, the impact I am making on my child. It’s important to leave positive marks on everyone and everything you come into contact with. I want to live the kind of life my Noni led. It’s important to me that when I pass on, people say the kind of things about me we all say about her.
Lastly, I just want to live in the moment more. I have a bad habit of living in the future, which has produced a serious anxiety disorder. I can’t tell you how many nights of sleep I have lost worrying over things I have little to no control over, or even worrying about things I do have control over. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it’s that in the end, everything ends up okay. If it isn’t okay, it probably isn’t the end yet.
I want to be present in my life, and in A’s life. When she looks back on her childhood, I want her to remember a mommy who was always there with her, not carried away, thinking and worry about things that could happen tomorrow.
This is definitely a work in progress, but who’s life isn’t? I’m happy to say that things seem to be on the up and up with this particular goal, which is good because I am doing not so well at some of the others. Luckily, there’s still time to turn it around.