Alternate realities and the future

Sometimes I think about what it would have been like if A had been a boy. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy with my girl. I love her to death and would do anything for her. But I can’t help but wonder, if we had a son, what would he have been like?

Would he have been fussy like A, or an easy baby? Or maybe he would have been fussier. Would his feet be ticklish like A’s are? Would he smile big at me first thing in the morning? Would he hate getting dressed after taking a bath? Would he be similar or completely different than the beautiful baby I have?

Before we found out A was a girl, we were thinking Alexander for a boy. I’m not so sure we would have stuck with that name, John and I never fully agreed on any boy names. If we ever do have a boy, we’ll probably go with a different name.

Then I start thinking about our second child. We don’t plan on having another for a few years, but I still catch myself thinking about him/her often. Will I be able to love our second baby as much as I love A? Will I be able to split myself evenly, be able to devote myself to both kids fully? What will s/he be like? I know it’s a long way off, at least four years, probably five, but it’s still something I, not really worry about, but consider from time to time.

Then I start to wonder what our life would have been like if we waited a few years to have kids like we originally planned. Would we still have our perfect girl, or would our first baby have been some other child? And what would that baby be like?

And then I stop thinking and look at my beautiful baby girl. I bury my face in her hair and breathe her in. I kiss her sweet cheeks and her perfect nose, and I offer up a prayer. “Thank you, thank you, thank you for this amazing gift,” I say to God. She is the baby I always dreamed of, the only baby I need. At least for now.

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