A matter of pride

In general, I’m a worrier. I worry about everything you can possibly worry about plus some. So naturally you can safely assume I’ve worried a lot during this pregnancy. I worry about my health, her health, finding a good pediatrician, finding the best daycare, being a good mom, breast feeding, etc, etc. If its baby related, I worry about it.

Lately, something has been eating at me, and to be completely honest it’s making me sad. I couldn’t quite place my finger on it, but it’s been causing me to burst into tears at the drop of a hat (this could just be hormones, I don’t know). I mean sobbing uncontrollably over a song on the radio crying. So embarrassing.  John has been trying to get me to talk about what’s been bothering me, and I always list the same things.

Yesterday I told him I’m worried I’ll be a bad mom by sending her to daycare, which technically is true because that does worry me, even though plenty of babies have working parents and are in daycare and turn out perfectly okay (I know it’s the quality of time you spend with your children not the sheer quantity of hours), but the whole truth is there is something more.
I was at work today when I figured it out. I don’t like to talk about my job here because, honestly, I want to keep it. I like my job, I’m good at my job, but it is by no means what I thought I’d be doing with my life. Especially after getting a master’s degree. It’s not that it’s a bad job, it’s just not where I saw myself.

I have always been a big subscriber to the philosophy you should follow your dreams, no matter what the cost. If you are doing what truly makes you happy, that’s worth something more than money (however if the two are not mutually exclusive that’s even better). That’s part of the reason why Amelia is on her way: I’ve always wanted to be a mom. What worries me is I won’t be around to be the best one I can be, and for what? A job that I don’t absolutely love?

I want Amelia to be proud of me, the same way I’m proud of my parents for doing what they love and working as hard as they did/do. I want her to be proud of me like I’m sure she’ll be proud of John (how can you not be proud of a dad who is an amazing pilot?). I think that’s why this blog has become so important to me, so imperative to keep up with. After being a mom, writing is my only other dream. And even if this blog never generates a dime for my family, at least it’s something I can say “I did this for you. I did this for me. I was following my dream.”

And hopefully it’s something she’ll be proud of.

2 thoughts on “A matter of pride

  1. You will be a good mom. I believe that with my whole heart. And all the noise in your head is just noise. But then the truth is that no good mom doesn’t worry or feel mom guilt. I walk around everyday feeling like maybe I don’t give enough to my children, that maybe there is something more I can do. But I have to do what I have to do and when they are older they will know that and they will understand, but they will never doubt my love for them. And sometimes you have to do the job you don’t absolutely love to one day do the job that you do.
    My point, I guess, is that I could tell you not to worry but it doesn’t work that way. Because you will. Because you are already a good mom. Just don’t let it overwhelm you.

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